I’ve been trying so hard to find my happy lately, but life has really been trying my patience. It’s days like today I feel broken down, stressed beyond belief, and just emotionally and physically exhausted.

What do you do to find your happy each day?

For a lot of bigger people, shame is a real thing that holds us back from beginning our fitness journey. I know this struggle all too well.

“I can’t hike as far as them, so I’m just not going to go.”

“I can’t lift as much as she can, so I’m not going to go with her to the gym.”

“I can’t walk as fast as him, so I’m not going to do the 5k.”

All of those things have gone through my mind at least once in my life. The shame of my body’s limitations held me back from even starting. But when I did try, I realized my strength came from my determination.

And, I found out who my true friends are!  My true friends would encourage me and cheer my victories, even the small ones. My true friends were my spotters at the gym. My true friends were walking beside me the whole way.

And you know what? Sometimes, I had to cheer for myself. When I reached a goal that seemed like a molehill to some, but I knew it was a mountain, I cheered for my damn self! Because you know why, no shame or embarrassment should ever stop us from starting. We may be slower, weaker, and breathe a little harder than some, but we’re capable. And our strength lies in our determination!

If there’s one thing that was instilled in me from early childhood, it’s been a healthy dose of Catholic guilt. Throughout the years, I’ve consistently apologized for everything. Things I’ve done. Things I haven’t done. Things I’ve said. Things people have thought I said. Things people have thought about me. All the things. All the time. It’s exhausting.

This week has been particularly difficult and enlightening. Some people don’t like me or agree with some things that I do. And this week, that dislike has been alarmingly clear and vocalized. The things they disagree with are things that I can’t help or change. To say it’s been frustrating and disheartening is an understatement.

However, a theme in my life has emerged – I apologize way TOO.DAMN.MUCH. for things that make me happy.

I like to dance with my dogs to loud music in the kitchen while I cook.

I use too many exclamation points in everything I write!!!

I’m goofy to the point of ridiculous.

When my dogs are happy, I am happy. And I’ll do almost anything to make them happy.

Toby jumps when he’s excited. I love that he gets excited when he sees me and allow him to jump.

And guess what? I’m happy. Or at least I’m trying to be. Somewhere along the line – whether it was moving to Alabama, or being sick for a year, or a combination of the two – I lost my daily spunky smile. But I’m working every single day to get it back and live a genuinely happy, grateful life.

I’ll be damned if I let someone bring down my happiness. I’m in control of my happy. And I’m not apologizing for being happy anymore!

My lunches have gotten really stale and I find myself going off track during this meal much more often than others. I typically have 3-4 oz of turkey breast, a couple oz of cheese, a hard boiled egg, and a couple of crackers. Sometimes I’ll throw in some baby carrots or fruit as well.

What do you eat for lunch? I don’t have a whole lot of time to make lunch during the day, so anything I can prep in advance or just pull out of the fridge would be very helpful! Thanks in advance!

Also! Check out the Sushi Burrito I had at Wasabi Juan’s this weekend! SOOOO Good!! (ask for the L.H.M. when you go!) #nomnomnom

I’m trying – really freaking hard – every. single. day. to find joy in this crazy journey. Surgery was about a week and a half ago and every day since I’ve been trying to find things to smile about.

My calcium has been crashing, my stomach has been tore up from these horrible calcium pills, but I’ve pushed myself to find joy in SOMETHING every day. And if I couldn’t find anything, I made something happen. My go-to’s lately have been: Happy music, playing with my puppies, sitting in silence outside, enjoying the cool air against my skin, taking drives down new roads, etc.

Today is good day. Today I started working out again and I started a new 6 week program! I finally bit the bullet and purchased Jessica Smith’s 6 Week Walk Strong Program and did Day 1 today! I’m already feeling better and more energized and I’m really looking forward to sticking with this program.

I’m so grateful for this opportunity. The opportunity to live a great, active life. I don’t want to waste it.

If there’s one thing I know and live by, it’s that “when you make plans, God laughs.” I first learned this about 6 years ago when I was having a particularly rough time. I was stressing about all the wrong things – boys, work, friends, etc. I had just had surgery on my foot and was stressing out about getting from work to meet my friends for sushi that night when out of the blue, I couldn’t breathe.

I was rushed to the hospital with blood clots in my legs and lungs. Almost 50% of people with blood clots in their lungs (pulmonary embolism) die instantly. Needless to say, it was a giant wake up call. I spent the next 10 days in the hospital thinking. I realized that not only did I want to live, but I wanted to have a LIFE!

Cut to six years down the road. I was feeling like crap – Zero energy, aches and pains, bad vision, and brain fog. I just moved across the country searching for some peace and adventure. I had just started a workout routine, motivated to drop pounds and increase energy.

I was looking forward to my appointment with Dr. Chen – a parathyroid surgeon – that Wednesday morning, hoping for some answers and to get surgery on the calendar – sometime, somewhere down the road.

I was NOT expecting surgery the next day.

Based on the continued elevated levels in my blood work and an opening in his schedule, surgery was scheduled for 8:30 am, Thursday, January 11th. I didn’t have time to freak out. I didn’t have time to plan. I just had time to do.

And I’m SO glad that I did! I’m now 11 days post op and I’m already experiencing less pain, more energy, and less brain fog! I’m so excited to see what’s in store for me!

One thing that I was REALLY looking forward to in moving to Alabama was/is living with my parents for a while. #1. My parents are super cool. #2. YAY for saving money! #3. They’re both very committed to living a healthy lifestyle.

This makes it VERY easy for me to eat healthy and stay active. I feel like a lazy slob if I lay around too much or eat crap for dinner. So YAY for live-in accountability partners! Also, they just bought this mean machine!!

Healthy eating buddies AND a home gym? Sign me up! Now there really are ZERO reasons for me not to get off my butt and workout!

Welcome to 2018. Where the hopes are high and the expectations are low! HAHA!

But seriously … that’s how I feel after a doozy of a 2017. I haven’t talked about it much (maybe even at all), but I struggle with primary hyperparathyroidism. Basically, I have a tumor on one of my four parathyroid glands. This sends my blood calcium skyrocketing, and leaves me to deal with all sorts of icks and ughs. Most of which is my energy … which is zero a lot of the time. I also feel shakey, nauseous, have bone pain and headaches, and just generally feel like shit!

So that was my 2017 in a nutshell. Never have I looked back at a year and thought – well that was total crap. Until now. It just wasn’t good.

So now, I’m not sure what to expect from 2018. I have an appointment with a surgeon on Jan. 10 to discuss surgery, which is the only option – medication and lifestyle change won’t help me. I cannot tell you how EXCITED I am for the appointment and to be one step closer to possibly feeling better! To have a better year would mean the world to me. I cry just thinking about the possibilities. But I also cry thinking about having another shitty year.

So that leads me to “so what now?” What can I do in the moment? What can I focus on instead of the uncertainty of the year to come? This is difficult for me – but I’m learning to find joy in the journey.

The days I’m feeling good, I do good things. I play with the dogs, take walks, enjoy the new environment I’m living in (oh yeah, I moved to Alabama, by the way!), and I’m happy. On the bad days, I find a reason to smile and try to move as much as possible to keep the icks and ughs at bay. And all the while, I’m going to focus on eating food that will fuel my body, and will hopefully make more good days than bad.

So that’s my plan for 2018 – to find joy in the journey.